“I don’t know what it’s like to not have deep emotions. Even when I feel nothing, I feel it completely” - A.R Asher
Somehow recently, time has been flying by, but at the same time almost not moving at all.
Sometimes I feel as though I’m stuck, with an empty abyss in front of me that everyone is waiting for me to fill.
I keep trying to write the story that is my life, but currently a blank page is all I have. I thought by 23 I’d have it all figured out, but with every year comes new lessons and experiences and discoveries, and I’m starting to realise that none of it ever really makes any sense.
I don’t think I ever quite felt the complete magnitude of my decision to move across the world until recently.
As an inherently shy & awkward person, in a new place where nobody knows me, it makes the necessary transition that much harder. My whole life, I’ve always felt out of place, and although in some ways now I feel as though I belong, in other ways I don’t at all.
The fact is, it’s lonely.
It’s difficult. It’s scary.
People are always telling me that I’m an old soul. Advanced and mature for my age. To tell you the truth I’ve thought this about myself since I was a little girl. I’ve always felt different, and as I’ve got older it just seems more and more that my perspective is different somehow.
I’m incredibly in touch with my feelings, and the feelings of others. I really just want to help people, and be there for the people I love... because I know that’s what’s truly important.
Somehow though, my mental state always seems to hit rough waters. It’s the nature of this condition, and I’ve come to accept it, but it’s hard sometimes to realise that there isn’t necessarily a cure, only lessons to be learned in terms of healing.
You see, I don’t know what to do when it hits me. When you’re under it’s cloud, you cannot function. I have spent days in bed. I have cried endlessly. I have harmed myself and hurt those around me. I’ve felt extreme emotion at times, only to sometimes feel nothing at all. She’s pretty savage, this beast. She beats you up until all your strength is gone. She makes you believe you are nothing.
I think sometimes people don’t realise how important a support system is for someone who deals with this condition. Because I started afresh a little over two years ago in Canada, my support system is limited. I have Adam, my rock, and his family, but there is only so much they can take. It’s hard to feel sometimes that I have to be a burden and that there is nowhere else to turn.
I don’t understand it, because I am always a person who will stand up and be there for others. No member of my family or friends would ever struggle alone. I feel sometimes I have to choice but to battle alone, but it is completely exhausting.
Sometimes I worry that I made a mistake. Was moving here the right thing? Where do I even fit in here?
But we can spend forever on what ifs. I have a lot here that I’m thankful for, and I’ve worked hard to get this far.
I just want to extend my message to anyone reading this, that if you struggle with mental illness and you feel alone, that you are not the only one. Having a condition like this in the first place is extremely isolating.
I also want to say that if you know a family member or friend is struggling - don’t let them feel alone. You don’t have to do anything except send a text to ask how they are coping. Remember they exist. People with mental illness conditions, tend to fade away. I definitely am guilty of hiding myself away, feeling as though that’s the best thing to do. But a text, a call, a thought from someone can be enough to help us carry on.
This post was a bit of a downer, so I’m sorry for that. But I’m turning to writing in the hope I’ll find some relief.
I’m tired of hating myself, picking myself apart in the mirror, comparing myself to other people and bringing myself down. I have to learn to accept myself. It feels as though I never will, but I’m going to try.
Maybe right now I am consumed in the nothingness, but I have to hold on to the hope that it’s not always going to feel like this.
My love,
Estelle xo
