I find end of year posts have a tendency to be a bit cliche. For example “New year new me” and “This last year was shit because of X, Y, Z.” It’s an opportunity to get some weight off your chest, but also an opportunity to strive for change: for hope. A chance to leave all the mistakes behind. Maybe I’m a cliche, but I don’t mind.
Humans, we are strange. We like to document, summarise, assess. We measure things constantly - time, growth, achievement. Is the last day of 2017 any different to the first day of 2018? The world turns the same, people go about their daily business just the same, Mother Nature does her job (like bringing snow and ice storms) the way she does her work every other day. But somehow, even though nothing obvious is different, change is in the air.
Who doesn’t like the idea of a fresh start? Something new. We all have regrets and things we’d like to change, and somehow watching that 7 turn to an 8 at the end of the 201 makes us feel like change is possible. This year has been good to me. Gratitude is important, and first and foremost grateful is almost not enough to describe how I feel for who and what I have in my life. To be loved, even by one person, means everything. For the first time in my life I’ve actually began to feel loved and believe that I am loveable. It’s been a long time coming.
I feel as though 2017 has been huge in terms of personal growth. I’ve had some of the toughest times I’ve ever had this year. Unbearable lows that almost destroyed me. Lessons that were painful, but necessary. In those moments, I didn’t feel strong, I didn’t feel capable, and I didn’t realise I’d come out the other side of the tunnel to see the most beautiful sunrise. But I did, and I’m proud of that. One of the most striking moments for me this year was a tiny, fleeting one. I had just barely passed my driving test, and I was driving up to our house. Suddenly, like a snack in the face, it hit me. Happiness. I thought to myself “this is the first time I’ve felt real happiness in such a long time”. It was a moment I’ll never forget. Looking up the driveway thinking about all that Adam and I have built together. Thinking about going inside to see him and our little fur family. I’m so lucky.
One of the hardest things I’ve had to learn this year is thinking positively about myself, and changing my self talk to not beat myself down every day. It’s been tough, because that was my norm for so long. But I’m learning to be proud of myself. I’m learning to see the good in myself. I realise now, that I can. There have been many milestones this year, including but not limited to: having puppies, selling our apartment, buying a house, packing up and moving out to a small town, buying another dog, passing my driving test, more puppies and on and on. We’ve done so much, and maybe in the midst of those challenging feelings I didn’t see it.
Now I see it, because I look out the window at this beautiful little town swamped in snow, and realise how lucky we are to love our life and our home here. There’s a magic about December. The final chapter to a 12 part story. The pre-cursor to a new beginning.
I’m thankful for all 2017 has given us, and looking forward to 2018 with an optimistic heart. I hope your New Year brings you every happiness. Love, Estelle xo
