I went to a naturopath recently.
This is my most recent endeavour in hopes of finding out some reasons for the struggles I have everyday. It's overwhelming, and exhausting, when you never seem to get any answers. Another rushed appointment, another scribbled prescription. Yet another attempt to try and ask for help in my weakest moments, another conversation looking into a tired doctors eyes and feeling heard for a second before they look at their watch and remind me that my time is running out. The conclusion, is the same as always, realising that I am merely a ship in the night to them. A conveyer belt of people through an office with different concerns but equal conclusions. This isn't a jab at medical staff or doctors - I know as well as anyone that they are often overworked and underpaid. Doctors are Doctors in the first place because they want to help people. Maybe they, too, don't know the answers to the mental health epidemic we have today. So, we figured we would try something else. I had wanted to for a while, but I didn't know what to expect. Opinions on naturopathic medicine are mixed, but I knew I had to try for myself to see what could work for me. Obviously, this kind of treatment isn't free, which makes me sad. Not because I have to pay - I'm grateful that it's an option for me - but because it means that so many people aren't able to explore other options to help themselves. We were sceptical, but we went in and the doctor was amazing. For the first time in a long time there seemed to be hope. A light in the distance. The pieces were fitting together. I found myself talking about everything I go through, physically and mentally. And I heard myself repeating one phrase in particular, which was "I used to be". I used to be a singer. I used to be a painter, a photographer, an artist. I used to laugh at anything. I used to write more. I used to be... and so on. This was the first thing that clicked. Have I lost myself? What do I enjoy? How did this happen? When I sit back and try to think of all the things that make me who I am, I realise that the depression has taken even more from me than I thought. I have been trying so hard to grasp onto normality that I forgot who I was. Who I used to be. Who I am. That version of me isn't gone. Although it took me this long to realise that the jaded version I live with most days isn't really me. It's a coping mechanism. I'm ok. But I'm not getting the most out of my life and the things I used to love and find my identity in. I feel almost as though the struggles I face, the anxiety, the worry, the fear of rejection and the way I belittle myself, has led me to a faded reality that seemingly protects me. This isn't the only thing I realised in this very first visit. I found myself learning about the connection between food and mind. Between body and soul. Our body is a fine tuned machine, and so many of us are destroying it without even realising. By destroying your body, I don't mean being overweight. I don't mean self harming. I mean CHOICES in food and drink and all round health that compound the issue. It makes sense, that the fuel we put inside ourselves affects how well we function. It's important to detox and eat well so that your body can do it's job properly and absorb all the nutrients you need effectively. If you are full of toxins, your body is unable to feed your mind and keep it well. Maybe to other people, this is obvious. But for me, it wasn't. I'd never even thought about it. I knew eating healthy was important. Fresh fruit and veggies, getting enough variety. Avoiding foods with high sugar and salt etc. What I didn't realise, is that healthy eating is different for every individual. Some people can't eat gluten, or wheat, or lactose. We need a tailored plan for our own needs. So what happened then? Well, the doctor gave me a "B Shot" which he explained that from my symptoms I probably had a deficiency in. It made a difference within hours. I felt energetic, bright, ambitious. I felt like who I used to be. I got a tailored diet plan. It was very boring and required me to eat meat which was difficult because I was vegetarian. I figured I had to do it right or not at all so I decided to change my ways, at least for a little while. No sugar, no carbs. Nothing processed. Basic, organic, natural foods. Alongside this, I was given supplements called Emulsiformla, Critical Digestion, and Chanca Piedera. I don't think I have ever taken so many pills in one space of time before, and it's definitely not my favourite thing, but I went with it. I was told my liver would detox and that I would probably feel it. I'm not going to lie, I felt it. It's like a deep ache just under your rib cage. As my body adjusted, I found myself feeling so tired that I couldn't even function. I slept all day for 2 days, and then all night. It's hard to keep going, but you do. I wasn't perfect at following my plan. I had cheat days where I scoffed a bagel and ate an Oreo or two (I'm only human) but overall I was happy with my achievements. I was feeling better. I had more energy, more zest, and lost weight,water retention and bloating! Yay! Alongside this, the doctor also suggested I try something called neurofeedback therapy. This is a relatively new treatment, that involves sticking electrodes to your head to monitor your brain activity as you listen to music and watch a visual display of colour and patterns. The machine responds to your brain activity with static and changing the music to train and "re-wire" your brain and thought processes. I was nervous to try this, and wary of telling people for fear of sounding stupid for trying something so "out there". But I knew I had to. I went in, the staff were so nice, brought me tea and talked me through the process. It takes about 30 minutes start to finish, you are alone in the dark room in a recliner chair and a blanket. Not so bad! I felt something shift from the very first session. I found myself almost falling asleep and feeling extremely calm. Very rare for me. I spoke to the nurse about this afterwards and she explained that I was entering a sort of meditative state, which was good. I did it a couple of times a week for the first 2 weeks and I am now doing it once a week. I've found that I improve with every session, I'm falling asleep easier and sleeping better, and for some reason my dreams have seemed really bright and vivid recently. I'm sharing this really because it might help someone else. Am I perfectly fine and dandy now? Not by any stretch of the imagination. My struggles are real and sometimes I can't escape it. But another day always comes around, and having hope that change is happening is everything when you live a life with a condition like this. Also, I write these things for me. For my future self, so I remember. Not only is it therapeutic to put into words all my thoughts, but looking back through my posts allows me to see what I've gone through, to see how I've improved, and to keep pushing forward regardless of any obstacles. It's hard, I won't lie. I'm tired of it and I sometimes look around and wonder why other people are fine and I'm not. And then I think of what I've conquered and I realise I'm doing pretty bloody well considering. Everything's all right. If you struggle like I do, don't be afraid to try something "out there". Go to a naturopath, or whatever thing it is that you want to try but are scared to. I'll tell you something, I'm glad I did. Thankyou for reading this without judgement. Here's to even better days. Estelle x
